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But is that really true? Let’s look at what really happens when teens make big mistakes. For this exercise, let’s presume that a 16 year old girl wrecks a car while under the influence. I’d say that is a BIG mistake, wouldn’t you? But there are already so many consequences to this mistake (losing the freedom of having the car, losing your license, loss of trust, criminal record…) that I truly don’t think punishing this, or any other mistake is what you really want to do. Conventional wisdom says we have to ground the girl, for a very long time, so she won’t do it again – keep her home, safe. But what happens when we do this? Resentment, rebellion, an “I don’t care” attitude. She ends up feeling so disconnected from her parents and so focused on how unfair they are, that she hardly even notices or remembers the mistake, and is then much more likely to do it, or something even more dangerous, next time.
I’d like to offer a different way. Rather than getting mad at the girl, offer her support and understanding. You won’t be able to take away the true natural consequences (the loss of the car, license, trust…), but you can be on the same side as your kid and in doing so, you allow her to learn what she needs to learn without the distraction of getting mad at you.
1 comment:
My child crashed a car last year and there were HUGE consequences. Interestingly, I was expected (by law enforcement officials, to dole out heavy consequences. I agreed to certain curfews and groundings, but did not carry them out other than to request that s/he always communicate with me, checking in with me when s/he was out of the house. It was based on concern more than anger.
The whole incident itself, I felt, gave out enough consequences on its very own. S/He could have died in the crash, there were heavy fines, and charges.
I can say that the only anger I expressed was regarding a break in the trust between us------ by not communicating with me----- rather than breaking any "rules"
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