Be Open to the Possibilities

by Angie Johnson (The following is from an email posted by Angie on the Consensual-Living Yahoo group during a recent discussion.)

I generally prefer to approach seeming conflicts with an openness to possibilities.

I can recall one evening last winter, in the middle of a very wicked South Dakota blizzard... my daughter (then 2 years old) had wanted me to truck it to our apartment's back parking lot to our car... to grab two of her stuffed kitties from her car seat. I was in the middle of playing with the girls (all nice and warm and cozy) when the request came up, and so I was fully aware of the special "roles" she had in mind for those two cats in our game. Still, even though I was coming up extremely short seeing myself happily suiting up to go out there to retrieve them, I could very easily align my *energy* right with hers -- in visualizing her scenario if we *did* have them right in that moment, and also remaining open both to her possible disappointment and possible acceptance of me not wanting to go out there to get them for her. But, not more than 2 minutes after she realized and had quickly made peace with my plans of not going out there (I partially slid open the apartment patio door to show her why)... whadayaknow! One of our apartment neighbors, still in boots and all suited up from just having come in from the cold, knocks at the door. He was happy to grab the cats for my daughter from our car as he was headed back out again for something else anyway.

I think the key issue for me, in these kinds of scenarios where a parent *could* be the extension of their child's arms, but for (of course valid) preferences/concerns of their own really don't feel peaceful about physically carrying out the request, is that the Universe can open up an infinity of other possible routes that maybe even entirely bypass the parent's participation. I think the key ingredient is that "remaining open" part. And that "open" feeling is so contagious! Like, remaining "open" to feeling peaceful and optimistic while consciously considering alternative solutions/routes to completely fill a need.... or simply "opening up" to the possibility of being able to make peace with what *already* is... Maybe, both tap into that same realm whereby certain desires manifest pretty quickly, either way, in my experience.

There are times when optimistically discussing some possible mutually agreeable solutions feels lighter and more expansive than not doing so. I think that the underlying energy of "openness" that fuels the problem-solving dialog itself seems to be a huge factor in creating the magical results.

Do big mistakes mean we have to dole out big punishment?

Traditional parenting wisdom says a big YES to that question, but what does that do? Traditional parenting wisdom says that you can’t let kids “get away with” lying, cheating, drinking, (fill in your favorite offense here).

But is that really true? Let’s look at what really happens when teens make big mistakes. For this exercise, let’s presume that a 16 year old girl wrecks a car while under the influence. I’d say that is a BIG mistake, wouldn’t you? But there are already so many consequences to this mistake (losing the freedom of having the car, losing your license, loss of trust, criminal record…) that I truly don’t think punishing this, or any other mistake is what you really want to do.

Conventional wisdom says we have to ground the girl, for a very long time, so she won’t do it again – keep her home, safe. But what happens when we do this? Resentment, rebellion, an “I don’t care” attitude. She ends up feeling so disconnected from her parents and so focused on how unfair they are, that she hardly even notices or remembers the mistake, and is then much more likely to do it, or something even more dangerous, next time.

I’d like to offer a different way. Rather than getting mad at the girl, offer her support and understanding. You won’t be able to take away the true natural consequences (the loss of the car, license, trust…), but you can be on the same side as your kid and in doing so, you allow her to learn what she needs to learn without the distraction of getting mad at you.