Trust Children

"Trust Children. Nothing could be more simple, or more difficult. Difficult because to trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves, and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted." --John Holt

Be Open to the Possibilities

by Angie Johnson (The following is from an email posted by Angie on the Consensual-Living Yahoo group during a recent discussion.)

I generally prefer to approach seeming conflicts with an openness to possibilities.

I can recall one evening last winter, in the middle of a very wicked South Dakota blizzard... my daughter (then 2 years old) had wanted me to truck it to our apartment's back parking lot to our car... to grab two of her stuffed kitties from her car seat. I was in the middle of playing with the girls (all nice and warm and cozy) when the request came up, and so I was fully aware of the special "roles" she had in mind for those two cats in our game. Still, even though I was coming up extremely short seeing myself happily suiting up to go out there to retrieve them, I could very easily align my *energy* right with hers -- in visualizing her scenario if we *did* have them right in that moment, and also remaining open both to her possible disappointment and possible acceptance of me not wanting to go out there to get them for her. But, not more than 2 minutes after she realized and had quickly made peace with my plans of not going out there (I partially slid open the apartment patio door to show her why)... whadayaknow! One of our apartment neighbors, still in boots and all suited up from just having come in from the cold, knocks at the door. He was happy to grab the cats for my daughter from our car as he was headed back out again for something else anyway.

I think the key issue for me, in these kinds of scenarios where a parent *could* be the extension of their child's arms, but for (of course valid) preferences/concerns of their own really don't feel peaceful about physically carrying out the request, is that the Universe can open up an infinity of other possible routes that maybe even entirely bypass the parent's participation. I think the key ingredient is that "remaining open" part. And that "open" feeling is so contagious! Like, remaining "open" to feeling peaceful and optimistic while consciously considering alternative solutions/routes to completely fill a need.... or simply "opening up" to the possibility of being able to make peace with what *already* is... Maybe, both tap into that same realm whereby certain desires manifest pretty quickly, either way, in my experience.

There are times when optimistically discussing some possible mutually agreeable solutions feels lighter and more expansive than not doing so. I think that the underlying energy of "openness" that fuels the problem-solving dialog itself seems to be a huge factor in creating the magical results.

Do big mistakes mean we have to dole out big punishment?

Traditional parenting wisdom says a big YES to that question, but what does that do? Traditional parenting wisdom says that you can’t let kids “get away with” lying, cheating, drinking, (fill in your favorite offense here).

But is that really true? Let’s look at what really happens when teens make big mistakes. For this exercise, let’s presume that a 16 year old girl wrecks a car while under the influence. I’d say that is a BIG mistake, wouldn’t you? But there are already so many consequences to this mistake (losing the freedom of having the car, losing your license, loss of trust, criminal record…) that I truly don’t think punishing this, or any other mistake is what you really want to do.

Conventional wisdom says we have to ground the girl, for a very long time, so she won’t do it again – keep her home, safe. But what happens when we do this? Resentment, rebellion, an “I don’t care” attitude. She ends up feeling so disconnected from her parents and so focused on how unfair they are, that she hardly even notices or remembers the mistake, and is then much more likely to do it, or something even more dangerous, next time.

I’d like to offer a different way. Rather than getting mad at the girl, offer her support and understanding. You won’t be able to take away the true natural consequences (the loss of the car, license, trust…), but you can be on the same side as your kid and in doing so, you allow her to learn what she needs to learn without the distraction of getting mad at you.

"Say thank you”? Or not.

Imagine: Someone compliments or gives something to your young child and your child either just stands there awkwardly, looking down at the ground in embarrassment, or hides behind your legs.

Most parents would either say, “What do you say, Suzie?” or “Say ‘thank you’”. Often before the child even has a chance to do so on her own.

But you are not most parents; you are a respectful, supportive parent. So what would a respectful, supportive parent do?

First, give your child enough time to respond on her own, while you try to not pressure her. After a couple of seconds, you can say to the person, “Thank you, that’s very kind”.

This strategy does several things. First, by allowing your child time to respond, they get to be in control of their choice to respond or not. When she chooses not to respond, by responding for her you do two things. You’re supporting her right to not respond, and you’re modeling a socially acceptable response without putting her on the spot or making her feel badly.

Environmental Upset

Whenever you can, match the environment to the kid, don’t make the kid fit into the environment.

There are lots of people who will say, “But they have to fit in some time.” “What about when they have to go to work?” I fully disagree (and I’ll talk about have tos in another article).

A kid who is fully comfortable in being who he really is, who actually knows who he is and knows how he works best, will create that in adulthood. This kid, when grown, won’t be trying to “fit in”, and if he chooses to place himself in a less than ideal environment, he will have the sense of self to handle it much better than if he has been trying to fit everyone else’s mold his entire life.

If you can keep your kid in an environment that speaks to his strengths as he is growing up, that fully helps him celebrate who he is RIGHT NOW, then he will feel fully empowered to do this for himself as an adult.

So take a look at the environments your kid is in. Are those environments suited to him, or are there some situations you are encouraging him to endure “for his own good”?

Is Your Light Radiating Brightly?

The following was written by a fellow coaching friend of mine. It’s just a recounting of an experience, but I thought it was so well written, and so touching that I’d share it here.

"I just got back from visiting my dear friend who had her breast removed last month because of breast cancer. I saw her shaved head and she was even willing to show me her scar from surgery. She is going through chemo for 13 weeks and will have the second breast removed later this year and then do reconstructive surgery. She's going through hell right now, there really is no better way to describe it. Her feet have blisters, her tongue is swollen, her skin is dry, and she has no way to know when the next bout of nausea will hit.

"But she radiates light so brightly that I am lost for words to describe the courage I see in her. She is doing guided imagery, yoga, acupuncture, and even smoking dope - everything she can to get through this with dignity, enthusiasm, and hope.

"I just hope that should I ever have to endure such a hardship that I do it as well as she does."

Are you choosing to let your light radiate brightly?

Attitude of Gratitude

“I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.” “Nothing is going my way.” “I’m having the worst day.”

Can you relate? Well, the next time you feel like your day is going down the tubes, remember that you can control your mood with your attitude.

Simply shifting your focus to the things you are grateful for will drastically change your mood. Loose your car keys? Think about how grateful you are that you have a car, or better yet, celebrate the extra down time you have, now that you get to stay home! Feel like everyone is making demands of your time? Think about how wonderful it is to have deep connections with loved ones.

Choosing to be grateful even when some things are going a little haywire will refocus your mind and turn your bad day into a joyful, free day.